


Bits & Bobs

by Surefall



Series: The Write and Post Adventures [5]
Category: Cable and Deadpool, Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, M/M, rated for language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-10-19 12:00:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10639422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Surefall/pseuds/Surefall
Summary: Oneshots and random stuff ... though most of it is currently Aunt May/Wade Wilson.Come on into the shipping pool.  The water's fine.Chapter 5:  Wade is the worst bed warmer, but Peter maintains his zen ... no matter what the provocation.





	1. Introduction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's get this show on the road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This series will always be finished until it isn't. 
> 
> So subscribe if you're interested ... or just stop by once in a while.

This is a resting place for random stuff! Snippets and one shots and thoughts that don't qualify for full ficdom.

 **Mid-Life Crisis Girl**  
May Parker/Wade Wilson + Nathan Summers  
The one true Spideypool pairing.

 **The Life of the Party**  
May Parker/Wade Wilson + Nathan Summers, May Parker/Everyone  
Aunt May is the life of the party and she isn’t even there.

 **The Murders of Midsomer**  
A fanfic premise.

 **Booty Call**  
Wade Wilson/Peter Parker + Nathan Summers + Logan   
Wade is the worst bed warmer, but Peter maintains his zen ... no matter what the provocation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title comes from the BBC series _Agatha Christie's Marple_. "Bits and bobs, odds and sods, and the meat ration's been cut again." -- Mary from "Murder at the Vicarage"


	2. Introduction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Nate's away, Wade passes the time talking about babies and flirting with beautiful women.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ficlet occurs in a sort of alternate universe vacuum between _Honeysuckle_ Chapter 1 and _Honeysuckle_ Chapter 2.

"This is mine." Wade cupped the phone like it was precious, staring down at the picture with sudden intensity, the expression of longing burning through his eyes.

"She's beautiful," May said gently, smiling at the picture of the newborn, the little face serene in sleep, still red and a little squashy, new and sweet and perfect, a little curl of red hair peeking out from her swaddle. "Who's that with her?"

The baby was tucked into large arms, the heavy winter cloak draping them both to keep the little one warm. The man was older -- her grandfather perhaps? -- with a full head of white hair cut short, scars marking the one searing blue eye. The other was flat, dead and colorless. An old soldier, if May had ever seen one. He looked down at the child so carefully held in his arms without tenderness, only a determined fierceness.

"That's Nate," Wade touched the soldier's shoulder with the tip of a gloved finger with a tenderness that surprised her. 

"Her grandfather?"

Wade looked up at her, startled, and then flashed her a disarmingly pleased grin, "Old enough to be her grandpa! Ha! I'm going to tell him that!" He looked back down at the picture and his smile faded as if it had never been, "No ... she's his too, so that makes him her dad I guess."

"What's her name?" May smiled as she leaned against his shoulder. His arm lifted almost automatically to wrap around her shoulders and pull her closer to him and she let him, tucking herself neatly against his side. It might be a different man, different in all the ways that mattered, but it was still the same. She remembered how to make herself the most comfortable and Wade adjusted himself with her. He was still warm, like Ben had been warm. Affectionate, like Ben had been affectionate. He had lost someone, like she had lost someone. Just because you found someone new didn't mean you forgot what you had had.

"I don't know," he said quietly, "We didn't have time to name her."

"Every girl needs a name."

"Well ... knowing Nate, she's probably called Hope now."

"Hope?"

"Nate's the worst at naming things," Wade was grinning again, "He names the dog and the cat and the island Hope. Well, so there wasn't a cat or a dog, but since I wouldn't let him name the island Hope, he's probably named the poor kid that instead."

"Hope is a perfectly nice name for a little girl," May said lightly, amused despite herself.

"Why not just name the poor baby World Peace then?" Wade asked, aggrieved.

"Nate seems a little old for you," May said instead, still amused as she changed the subject, "of course, you're a little young for _me_ too."

"Shut your mouth!" Wade grinned, "Nate's my sweet young thing who I've robbed from his Papa's cradle. And you're my mid-life crisis girl, always tossing your hair, with your sexy ankles and flirtatious ways."

" _My_ flirtatious ways?" May said archly, "You're the one walking around in clothes too tight for you, showing your assets for the world to see."

"And if _your_ skirt was any higher I'd be able to see your thighs!"

May slapped him lightly on the chest, "Get that suit any tighter and I'll be able to see every hair on your chest."

"Joke's on you," he said complacently, "I don't have any hair."

"Welts, then," she said mildly, "Honestly, Wade, you're half my age. You should be dating my nephew, not me."

"You're a very sprightly 120 year old," Wade grinned at her, eyes strangely serious despite his smile.

May frowned, "You're not 60."

"58 ... but who's really counting?" Wade shrugged.

May straightened in his grip, twisting to look him in the eye. She reached up and caught his head in her hands, holding him still as she examined him. The destruction healing wreaked on his body obscured all the usual age markers. There were no wrinkles, no sag to his skin except where it attempted to peel away from flesh. There was no softness from age and good living, he was all hard muscle beneath. He rattled on about all sorts of things, the sorts of things her nephew talked about. The latest television and celebrity trivia and what games were the coolest ... though if May wanted to know about those things, it would be simple enough, if time consuming, to keep up with it. 

It was in his eyes. Now that she was looking, she could see it. There was a weight there, the implacable press of time. It was subtle enough, and she had assumed the weight had come from grief, from his powers, from a harder life than hers, that had put the shadows there before their time ... and it was all those things too, but it was also age, the knowledge that only came from _living_.

"I'm dating a man ten years older than me," May said finally, in mild disbelief.

"At least I don't need Viagra," Wade said sagely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in times past, I had read basically everything with the Wade Wilson tag on it on Ao3. That had naturally included a vast sea of spideypool. 
> 
> There is a single fact that is true for spideypool fics of a certain length: Peter will bring Wade home to May and the meeting will go _beautifully_. 
> 
> So beautifully that I ended up thinking: Why aren't Wade and May dating? Forget this stripling boy. Behold, here is the woman who cast the mold that Peter Parker was poured into.
> 
> Then I started to ship this pairing. So much so I dropped a prompt off at the [spiderkink meme](http://spiderkink.livejournal.com/1612.html?thread=775756#t775756) for them.


	3. Life of the Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Aunt May is the life of the party and she isn't even there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I'm going to be able to fit this into the fic that it was originally intended for, so here it is.

"I'd totally nail that," Wade cheerfully toasted the picture of the elderly woman projected onto the wall, tipping his drink and remembering at the last moment that his mask was in the way. He peeled it up and took a hefty swig.

"You are totally drunk," Bobby declared.

"You'd nail anything," Luke sneered.

"At least buy her dinner first," Logan advised.

"Of course I'd buy her dinner and woo her gently first," Wade managed to look appalled even through his mask, "What kind of feeb do you think I am? She's obviously a classy dame. It's not like I'm gonna be all, hey there baby, I hear you lost your peter and I've got one right here." Wade pointed downwards as he thrust his hips to emphasize the peter in question.

Torch didn't just start laughing, he pounded the bar top as he slowly slipped to the side and fell to the floor, rolling around and clutching his chest, "Oh, god, it hurts, it hurts!"

"It isn't funny!" Spider-Man yowled at Torch.

"Oh god, it _is_. It _is_."

"A little old for you, isn't she?" Nathan asked with a sly smirk.

Wade turned his head to deliver a flat stare even as Torch cackled like a loon in the background, "Nate, please. Listen to yourself. The words that have just come from your mouth." He gestured to the screen and waved his arms around, "Look at her! She's sixty if she's a day and look at those gams," he wolf whistled, "Mmmm, legs up to her neck and full child bearing hips. I bet she makes a mean apple pie."

"Like fucking Captain America?" Nathan suggested innocently as Steve choked on his beer and started coughing. Barnes sniggered as he pounded Steve on the back.

"Fucking Captain America is _like_ fucking a warm apple pie." Wade languidly corrected, "or maybe being fucked by a warm apple pie."

"I want to know how you would even know what fucking Captain America is like," Sam Wilson asked the air around Steve.

"I figured it was obvious," Wade made exploding motions with his hands, "what being ejaculated on by patriotism would be like. A pie in each hand, painted red, white and blue, while bald eagles fly overhead and release fireworks at the moment of whoopey."

Nathan leaned forward on the bar and covered his eyes with his hand, shoulders shaking as he laughed. Steve made obscene hand signs at Wade, but felt hard pressed to get really mad about it.

"Those aren't the call signs of _patriotism_ ," Wade accused Steve dramatically over Nathan's head.

"They're the call signs of how I'll put my boot up your ass," Steve shot back.

"Language!" Tony Stark yowled from all the way across the room, which made Sam laugh into his drink when Steve put his head down on the table in despair.

"But I'm thinking she would really be a cherry tart," Wade said thoughtfully, rubbing his chin, "if you know what I mean."

The tortured sound coming from the end of the table that held Spider-Man was only barely drowned out by Barnes' guffaw, "She's never gonna give a scrub like you the time of day. I'm asking her to dinner first."

" _I'm_ asking her out to save her from your apple and cherry pie molesting clutches," Steve interjected primly, lifting his head up from the table, "How can you say these things about this fine woman who raised young P– er, Spider-Man into the man he is today?"

"Do you hear this?" Wade complained to Nathan, "He's trying to steal my dame. American piracy!"

"I can't believe you guys are talking about my aunt!" Spider-Man shrieked, "She'd turn down all you losers!" When everyone stared at him, he subsided into a sulk, "Well, Steve could get a date."

"No one is immune to that lovin' like apple pie," Wade said wisely.

"Please tell me you have never fucked an apple pie," Nathan said with the air of a man who already regretted his statement.

"That would be a lie," Wade smirked so widely his mask distended, "since I've fucked you."

Spider-Man buried his head in his hands and whimpered, "Oh my god."


	4. The Murders of Midsomer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fanfic premise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A picture's worth a thousand words, right? [This one generated 1,500](http://saejima-taiga.tumblr.com/post/40833003942/test-panels-before-i-got-lazy-i-had-a-good-talk). The additional 500 can probably be blamed on [The Ballad of Midsomer County](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_aFJ2u5jTE).
> 
>  **Series:** A fusion of _Cable and Deadpool_ / _Ripper Street_ / _Midsomer Murders_
> 
>  **Historical Reference:** A messed up anachronistic world that resembles no particular period in English history, but rather an unholy fusion of the 19th and early 20th century. It can be generally assumed that the events occur either prior to the Great War, or occur in an alternate reality where the Great War never takes place.
> 
>  **Warnings:** There's no real fanfiction here, just the premise for one. I'm not writing it, folks, there's too much research involved to make it even passingly realistic.
> 
>  **Pairings:** Nathan Summers/Neena Thurman, Nathan Summers/Irene Merryweather, Wade Wilson/Vanessa Carlyle, Wade Wilson/Theresa Cassidy, Nathan Summers/Wade Wilson (heavily implied, but never stated outright considering the time period in which this takes place)

"Missing the hand, but I reckon it belongs to a young miss. Think the body's far, guv'nor?"

"My name is Nathan."

"Nate, then." 

A dismembered arm in the boot of his father's carriage marks the first case for Detective Inspector Nathan Summers in Midsomer. As the first case in a long line of gruesome and memorable cases, it is distinguished by being the very first case Nathan Summers will share with Detective Inspector Wade Wilson, who will be his professional partner for the rest of his career ... and the very first time he will meet the man who is his father. 

Captain Nathan Summers is the bastard son of the Earl of Midsomer (Scott Summers). Unable to inherit his father's property, but bearing the distinction of being his father's _only_ son ... the Earl determined the course of Nathan's life before he had left leading strings. Educated first at Eton and then at the naval school at Greenwich, his father's influence assured that Nathan was placed in command of a cruiser as soon as he had proved his competence. 

As Captain, Nathan commanded the cruiser, HMS Providence, in the South Pacific. HMS Providence was specifically tasked with merchant protection, pirate hunting, courier service, and small time privateering (where convenient for the crown). Nathan's captures were sufficient to provide himself with a small independent fortune before Providence was shot out from under him.

With the destruction of Providence, Nathan declined the captaincy of another vessel and instead took the opportunity to escape the destiny his father had determined for him. He retired his commission with the Royal Navy and joined the police, where upon he quickly climbed to the rank of Detective Inspector. 

He brings to the occupation the vital skill of knowing when people lie to him. While all policemen gain the knack to one degree or another, Nathan's skill borders on the uncanny. 

He's a crack shot with both a pistol and a rifle, a brutal pugilist, and a natural horseman. His practical sword work is considered merely serviceable, geared to the boarding of enemy vessels rather than civilized dueling. 

Nathan is well spoken, diplomatic, in possession of a gentleman's manners, and seemingly mild mannered ... until the knives come out. 

The knives in question is his partner:

Detective Inspector Wade Wilson is Nathan's red right hand.

Major Wade Wilson was a redcoat, an officer of the Royal Army, enforcing the will of the British Empire overseas in India and China (and Singapore and Indonesia and Japan and Vietnam and Korea). Rumor has it that Wade was condemned to lingchi (death by a thousand cuts) and survived it, the aftermath of which had him resigning his commission. Wade has remained uncharacteristically silent as to whether or not this rumor is true.

Wade also remains uncharacteristically silent as to his personal history prior to joining the army. A dab hand at languages, Wade changes his accent as easily as changing his clothes, fully capable of pretending to have come from any part of England and a variety of exotic foreign locales. When pressed, Wade has given Nathan ten different stories as to his origin. "I was born a coal miner's daughter" being the most fanciful of the lot.

Having joined the police after resigning his commission, Wade brings to the occupation two nearly invaluable skills: The ability to find a person no matter where they might try to run or hide and a disturbing skill with determining the cause of death (the more gruesome the better).

Wade is capable with a pistol and a rifle, sufficient on a horse, and a very nasty opponent in any form of fisticuffs. The better of any man in a sword fight, Wade claims to have gained his skill serving overseas in Japan (and backs this claim up with swords from that country, which are his most prized possessions). He is also known for his non stop talking.

Wade was a dog of the military ... but now he's Nathan's dog, loyal to a fault and more than willing to crack heads and break bones at Nathan's command. 

Together, they fight crime! They're the backbone of the constabulary of the district of Midsomer, known for it's unusually high murder rate and cheeky police force. 

Professionally speaking, Nathan takes on the role of the elder Inspector by dint of his greater policing experience rather than his age (despite his prematurely white hair, he and Wade are fairly close together in age). He also takes on that role because of his gentler touch in questioning and the defter hand when it comes to politics. Taking on the role of the younger Inspector, Wade chases down leads and people (especially when they leg it), examines bodies, and handles the seedier aspects of their work ... like "persuading" someone to talk or dealing under the table.

The cast of this drama is rounded out by ... 

**Jack Hammer,** known as Weasel, owner of the local pub and inn, a central hub of gossip and mischief to the citizens of Midsomer's largest town. Weasel also happens to a be poacher, a fact that Wade uses to blackmail him into giving up confidences and the occasional free beer.

 **Neena Thurman,** owner of the Domino House, a coffee shop where one might purchase a coffee to warm the belly ... or a woman to warm the bed. After a visit to Domino House with Wade, Nathan was charmed by Neena and is now attempting to woo her. Neena, however, has only one use for men, and that's for their money. As members of the police, Nathan and Wade are dangerous men for her to cross. She dances around Nathan, neither encouraging nor denying his attempts, though she does find him reasonably charming and acceptably attractive. But he, like all men, is used to having his own way and never is she so charmed that she forgets that the turn of Nathan's whim could land her and her girls in deep trouble.

 **Vanessa Carlyle,** a light-skirt employed by Neena at the Domino House. She's the beautiful young woman that Wade is stepping out with. Vanessa allows Wade to court her partially to keep him sweet and partially because she finds Wade's lack of filter both endearing and comforting. He's a rabid dog not lightly crossed, but a rabid dog whose signals are loud and clear and easy to read. His coin is good and he likes to buy her pretty presents, traits always desirable in a customer. If his temper and interest proves to be steady in the long term, she might just let him make an honest woman out of her. Vanessa thinks the game Neena is playing with Nathan to be far more dangerous than her own. That _really_ isn't a man to cross ... and Wade is _devoted_ to his partner. 

**Irene Merryweather,** the nurse of Midsomer Constabulary. The daughter of a doctor serving in India, Irene Merryweather was raised to be a nurse. Her parents sent her to finishing school in England, where she chose to remain after their death. Irene serves as the local midwife and attends to any woman who can't afford the services of a "real" doctor. She serves the Midsomer Constabulary as their on call doctor and medical examiner. 

It's a misnomer to think that Nathan is somehow more egalitarian than the men of his time. He is simply more pragmatic. Miss Merryweather can patch up his boys, is a dab hand with a needle, and can handle a corpse without fainting. Irene gets along well enough with Wade, who doubles as their medical examiner. She's also less expensive than keeping a "real" doctor in their employ. Every now and again Nathan has contemplated marrying her just so he doesn't have to pay her. Irene would not be entirely opposed, since marriage would secure her comfort and there are worse men to marry than Nathan. 

**Theresa Cassidy,** Irene's Irish maid. Employed by Irene to keep her company and secure her reputation, Theresa is fiercely protective of her lady's honor. Wade flirts with her shamelessly and she gives him the cold shoulder ... most of the time. She has a scream that can literally shatter glass, a fact discovered on one of their cases, much to the horror of the gentleman that caused her to scream.

 **Commissioner James Howlett,** who assigned Nathan to Midsomer. He determined that the best representative of the law should be the son that the Earl would hopefully be hesitant to work against. Wade, in contrast, lost a coin toss ... and Commissioner Howlett felt that White Chapel was doing Wade absolutely no good as a post. It was time to send him to gentler pastures (he should have known better than to chose Midsomer!). The Commissioner will later claim that he knew all along that Nathan Summers and Wade Wilson would make excellent professional partners.


	5. Booty Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade is the worst bed warmer, but Peter maintains his zen ... no matter what the provocation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ficlet occurs in a sort of alternate universe vacuum between _Honeysuckle_ Chapter 1 and _Honeysuckle_ Chapter 2.

Honestly, Wade was sort of surprised by how easy this had been. It had taken _waaaay_ longer to get Nathan Summers out of his clothes. Much too long, years too long.

"That's what I need," Wade said abruptly into the dark, "I need to find a time machine so I can travel back in time and tell my much younger self that when he runs into white haired, metal armed, Mr McGlowey Eye, he needs to drop whatever contract he's doing and _tap_ the hell out of that. Like, seriously, fuck our nonexistent professional reputation ... just jump on that. You've disappointed me, younger self. I've depended on you to make good life choices."

Spider-man groaned beside him, a sleepy, annoyed sound, "What are you _talking_ about?"

"I said all that out loud?"

"Yes."

"This broken yellow box shit is really starting to annoy me. Can we get another plot device? Unless the plot device is that I'm supposed to fix it, you think? Like, I'm meant to hit up Tony Stark and Reed Richards and be all 'hey baby, I've got some yellow boxes that need a little fine tuning, if you know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge'."

"I think you need to shut up and go back to sleep," Spider-man groaned miserably, shoving his head underneath the pillow and mashing it down over his ears, "Some of us have to go to work in the morning."

Wade rolled his eyes even if Spider-Man couldn't see it. Wade hadn't been asleep in the first place. He had been enjoying the after glow and then he'd been enjoying the view and then he had gotten so mind-numbingly bored and he'd started thinking about when he had last slept because he had been relaxed rather than exhausted and strung out and that had been with _Nate_ and --

"I bet the X-men have a time device. Yep, yep, betcha they do. I just gotta break in and use it. No problem." Wade informed the ceiling.

It seemed obvious when Wade thought about it. The X-Men were always having wacky time adventures. So it either had to be in the mansion's water ... or ... _or_ ... it was a deus ex machina, with emphasis on the machina.

He rolled out of bed and went to find his clothes.

* * *

After Deadpool had disappeared out the window, Peter reached an arm out, fumbling on the nightstand until he found his phone. He punched at the speed dial by memory and then shoved it under the pillow near his face. "Hey, it's Spider-Man. ... Yes, I know what time it is. ... Deadpool is planning to break into your place to use your time machine. ... Yeah, better get on that. ... 'bye."

Peter hit the call end button and tossed his phone back onto the nightstand, rolling over and dragging the blankets over his head. The X-Men could deal with Deadpool's shenanigans. He was _sleeping_.

* * *

Peter relaxed in his chair outside the Three Beans, sedately sipping his hard won coffee as he flipped through the cafe's public copy of the Daily Bugle. 

SPIDER-MAN'S BOOTY CALL ROBS X-MEN

He carefully set his cup down as he read the headline, and then pulled out his phone when he saw the picture beneath. For there was Deadpool's bare blistered backside, hanging out a window. How did they even get a picture of him mooning them? Why was he even -- then Peter realized this was a stupid question. Asking why of Deadpool. Really. He should know better. 

He texted Logan. _how_ He paused and added: _why_

Logan replied before Peter had even finished reading the first page of J. J.'s joyful rant. _the nose knows_

_i tip u off and u sell me out? buddy, next time, no warning_

_JJ pays for the DP. win win_

Peter supposed it was too much to ask that nothing had gotten destroyed when the mansion was basically a magnet for destruction. _how much was my humiliation worth?_

Peter was inappropriately jealous of Logan's reply. _that's extortion. who taught u? i want to be their grasshopper_

_nick fury_

_ur not funny_

_you can have a cut_

_ur my new best friend for life_

_slim says: next time, send him at the avengers_

_for a bigger cut_

_slim says: deal_

Peter flipped to the second page of J. J.'s lurid, but entertaining, musings about his life of crime. There wasn't going to be a next time. He paused and picked up his phone again.

_do u really have a time machine?_

_slim says: no_

_that means yes_

_it means no_

_how do u know he didn't change the past so now u don't have a time machine when u did before?_ Peter threw in a second line before Logan had a chance to respond. _huh? huh? how do u know?_

_shut up, webs_

_make me_

Peter finished his coffee before Logan finally replied. _is this a booty call?_

_are u gonna hang ur ass out of a window?_

_could be persuaded_

_them cum at me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... I forget where I was going with this. We're going to leave it here.


End file.
